On Parenthood & Gratitude...

***WARNING: This post is NAF. (N.ot A.bout F.ood)*** 

(And by *NAF*, I usually mean *SHINAE'S PERSONAL SOAPBOX*...)

I read a post on HuffPo this morning by Meg Tilly. It was an inaugural post for what she was hoping to be a published mother-daughter dialogue between her and her 20-something daughter. Though the post was just this side of excessively wistful and fanciful for me, I could relate a bit, as most mothers can I'm sure, with having hopes for our children and our interaction with them. I was otherwise neutral about the post itself, but it was some of the response comments that got under my skin.

A lot of relating, a lot of empathizing, some congratulating, and then a comment from someone who thought that Tilly's very public call for her daughter's participation in the blog was, well, selfish. Which was then met with kneejerk defense of Tilly by parents who believe that "Having a child has to be one of the most selfless acts one will ever commit..." and that parents *earn* the "right to be selfish" by doing X, Y and Z for their children.

*SIGH*. Ribeye burgers and summer rolls...

The sacrifices I make for those 
ungrateful children of mine...

I don't belong in that camp. This is not to say that children will never have very legitimate reasons to be grateful for the things their parents do. We often do. But the attitude of these people reminds me too much of the people whose gifts always come with the heavy price of expectation. Not to mention what is, to me, the inanity of the idea that having children is utterly selfless.

In my mind, having children, wanting to see your DNA manifest in the form of a tiny human, wanting to leave a legacy, wanting family, companionship and ties that are often inextricable, is as much an endeavor in selfishness as it is in selflessness. It's true that, once the children are here, we are often confronted with situations in which we are compelled to exercise altruism for them... 

But then again, they didn't, couldn't, consent to being put on this Earth. And they probably wouldn't have consented if they knew it would mean a lifetime of emotional burden and expectation from someone who believes that the self-serving act of having your own biological offspring indentures them to a life of unconditional gratitude and recompense. 

When you consider that our children are their own people, just as different from us as they are similar, and that many parents "sacrifice" to give their children what is important to them, and not necessarily their children, then this idea of "earned" selfishness becomes even more ludicrous. And the delusion some people undertake that parenting has somehow stripped them of any selfish (sometimes deeply so) motivation, even, or especially, when it comes to their children, is evidenced by their attitudes of entitlement.

Not to mention that this kind of thinking disregards the very rich and rewarding contribution our children make to our lives, just by their very existence. (But you won't hear these parents talk about how much they owe their children for simply being.)

There are many things my parents did, for/by/to me, for which I'm grateful. And then there are a few for which I'm not and for which they believe I should be. And while I hope my children will find many good and true reasons to be grateful to me as they grow into adulthood and eventually parenthood, I believe that whether their gratitude as felt and expressed is true, deep and genuine, will largely depend on whether my gifts to them came from a place of true, deep and genuine gratitude for what they have given, and continue to give, to me.

shinae