On Hatched Pods & Other Beginnings...

Today is May 2nd. The Pod is due July 17th. That's two and a half months from now.

And I have decided that when she springs forth as the fruit of my loins, I too will emerge from this five year cocoon I've managed to spin around myself, only allowing for the presence within it of those who were necessary to my metamorphosis, if you will - The Man, The Monsters, and to some degree, The Parents - together, my air, food, and water.

And I needed that.

Because it wasn't until I'd distanced myself that far and that completely from the life I lead for thirteen years that I was able to truly realize how ONE big decision undertaken in reaction, in escape, and without knowledge of self, can be the gateway to a long and winding series of more of the same kinds of decisions made in affirmation of the first, for dread of admitting the mistake it was.

It wasn't until then that I was able to realize that all the good intentions used to justify the furtherance of a bad idea don't make that bad idea any better.

The bad idea?

Marrying someone who was so wrong for me, and I for him, so I could leave the chaos of my parents' marriage in what I believed at the time to be good conscience. That may not make much sense to some, but as a 21 year old Asian woman (when I'd just met the ex), I thought at the time that my only two legitimate options were to leave for marriage or a scholarship to an Ivy League school. Slacker that I am, we all know the latter wasn't an option for me. ;)

The good intentions?

To make that marriage work, to give it the old college try, to suck it up and convince myself time and time again that it was a better idea than it really was.

The biggest problem with that whole scenario?

That convincing yourself that a bad decision is indeed a good one, and for thirteen years at that, requires delusion, after delusion, after delusion. A heaping pile of delusion, actually. Big and little lies you tell yourself over and over again so you won't have to hate or kick yourself for the wrong kind of life you chose while you're unready or unwilling to accept the consequences of leaving it behind.

And yet I can't regret any of it.

Because of two awesome and amazing kids who still love, and want to love, me - despite what the marriage that taxed my mental and emotional resources at my core cost them in time, patience, presence, and affection from their mother. And despite what my eventual separation from that marriage cost them in more of the same.

Because although the decision in hindsight is foolish in my eyes, when I was living it, all the good intentions, all the thoughtful and careful rationalizations, all the learned selflessness it took to maintain that marriage without complaining or feeling sorry for myself when a lot of people thought I should, taught me a stoicism and resolve that will serve a worthwhile purpose on another day now that I know better.

Because I learned in the worst moments of the process of separation that I'm a stronger human being than I could have imagined before I had to live, and ultimately survive, them.

And because, eighteen years after it all began, I find myself returning to, or perhaps arriving at, a better version of me:

- more comfortable with my conscience, even when it seems at odds with the expectations of others

- more grateful - for everything, really

- more content with a life cluttered by fewer things

- more convicted that I can choose to assign growth and meaning to those things in life that can seem random and unfortunate

- more confident in owning the gifts and strengths that I've been bestowed, but perhaps more importantly,

- more humble and accepting of the flaws and weaknesses gifted me so that I could come to realize how the people I allow into my life can either magnify those weaknesses, or complement them and strengthen me despite them.

And as evolved and peaceful as all that may sound, I have also learned that all the womanly and personal quirks - the snarkiness, the bitchiness, the really strong opinions about really trivial things - that emanate from my personality don't have to be subsumed by a little earned wisdom.

I find my cooking mirroring my life quite a lot these days:

- The execution of techniques is more confident and refined.
- The processes are more efficient.
- My tastes are better defined, albeit still eclectic.
- The selection of ingredients is much more important.

And given what I've learned, I think I'm ready to re-open the kitchen, but I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. :P

Off to make lunch now. :)

shinae