Something About Doors Opening & Closing...

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

~ Alexander Graham Bell

Patch o' dirt in our new back yard. :)

This morning's usual food programming was interrupted by a visit to the OB/GYN to confirm our suspicion regarding certain events of earlier this week.

And indeed it is confirmed: I miscarried. And I am otherwise perfectly fine and healthy.

That's it. Nothing major, and nothing minor - a fact of life as sure as pregnancy itself, specially the older we get. And I did turn 40 this year, after all. :)

So while we thought it would be nice for Izzy to have a peer sibling, I also promised myself long ago that my child bearing era would end when I turned 40. And I've learned not to have too many hard and fast rules about Life, but I've also learned that determination and decision are sometimes necessary to achieve certain good things.

Dean and I together have determined and decided that we are done making babies, that we are perfectly happy and grateful that we have three beautiful children between us, that we are going to raise them to be a family even when we're long gone, and that there are lots of things to grow in this here patch of dirt behind our new home, both literal and metaphorical: fruits, vegetables, flowers, travel, goals, and other good dreams.

Thanks always for your support, encouragement and good juju in all we experience and endeavor, peeps.

Looking forward to continuing to share it with you. :)

shinae

Filling In The Gap & Streamlining...

Quick housekeeping note: If you don't know about my other blog, it might appear that I've neglected to blog for the past month and half, but other than my usual daily food (and other) posts, I actually have been blogging the month leading up to my 40th birthday (among other things), just over there. 

I started that other blog in order to compartmentalize my writing a bit - more food here, more personal stuff over there - and to spare those interested in my food content but not so much my other jibber jabber the tedium of having to read my cheap therapy posts. 

But since that inaugural compost pile post written over a year and half ago, I've come to realize that one of the things I most enjoy about this new career path I'm carving out for myself as one who relates food to life is the blending of personal and professional perspectives. The lack of that non-clinical schizophrenia we've all experienced when trying to divorce our work selves from our deeply personal selves. I am hopeful and optimistic that I won't have to.

So while I won't be shutting the compost pile down anytime soon (because Goddess knows how long it'll take me to migrate those posts over here if ever), I'll just be shoving my extraculinary scraps into a mini compost pile in this here blog because it just feels more efficient, more right, and more me.

Signing off for the morning from my new kitchen office (yes, we've finally moved from the teeny tiny bungalow),

The newly minted 40 year old and once again preggo,

shinae

(There. I'm pretty sure you're all filled in now! :D)

Back In Black - Day 139 (Monday) & Something About Knowing When To Cut Bait...

I'm on the 25th post and 139th day (that's almost 5 months! :/) of (what was supposed to be) this 30 post series, and I think it's a very real possibility, due to all the detours I've taken - holidays, house hunting and all that entails, other more interesting life - that this post probably finds me roughly the same size I was on post #1.

Bibim Bahp

And if this process has taught me anything, it is that I am a very different woman today than I was when I had the 2 older kids in my late 20s. Back then, I would probably have met or exceeded this goal and 10 others in 60 days (or less).

Vietnamese "BBQ" Pork

When I look back at how much more driven I was back then, in all aspects of life, I can see what was driving me: a quest for fulfillment, contentment, satisfaction, and ultimately justification for the big, life altering, and ultimately wrong life decisions I'd made. I achieved lots of things and kept hoping, almost subconsciously, that one of those things would make me feel like I had finally arrived in the right place. None of them did.

Fridge Cleanout Cold Noodle Salad
With Salmon & Spicy Peanut Dressing

But as I'm sitting here, in the right place, clearly unmotivated at this juncture to do what it takes to get back into the LBD (albeit plenty motivated to continue to cook, photograph, write, teach, and reasonably pepper that into family life), I don't miss the other kind of motivation one bit. I don't miss the blinding hunger and emptiness that propels you toward a destination that can't possibly be reached on the road you've taken.

Humba (Visayan Style Pork Adobo)

I guess I'm just too happy, fulfilled, satisfied, and content doing exactly what I'm doing now (which includes occasionally writing about somewhat kinda sorta wanting to lose weight but not really doing anything about it) to change it up just yet. 

Kalabasa at Sitaw sa Gata
(Filipino Squash & Green Beans in Coconut Milk)

That doesn't mean I'm going to scrap what I consider to be my generally healthy and balanced way of eating or my return to moderation after the chaos of the holidays and the stress of house hunting. That doesn't mean I'm not going to go running or do some yoga if/when life/time/spirit permit. I'm just deciding not to stress about doing much more than that for the time being where this issue is concerned. I am releasing liability and accountability for this one thing for now so I can free myself to achieve other things that really matter to me FOR NOW.

Atchara Inspired Salad

So while the old me would have chalked this up as a failure, the wiser me has decided to scrap this blog series 5 posts short of what I originally planned so I can refocus the scattered energy I've been wasting on this momentarily untimely pursuit to better uses.

Lofthouse Iced Sugar Cookie - Valentine's Edition ^^

Because sometimes you have to cut the heat to the pot on the back burner so you can focus on making something really delicious out of what's on the front one. :)

shinae

P.S. The pics on this post are some of the fairly yummy and mostly healthy and balanced things I've eaten since the last post. I haven't been that bad...  ;)

Back In Black - Day 124 (Sunday) & Something About How Things Change...

LOL @ me.

Wasn't it just a month ago when I said we were going to sit tight and hold off on the house hunting thing for a while? Well, if the past two years have proven anything, it's that anything can happen in the relative blink of an eye.

And what has happened in that roughly monthlong blink is that, house hunting bug placed in our brains, we were really beginning to feel the squeeze in this 1 bedroom, 1 bath, 625 square foot space with 2 adults, 2 practically teens, 1 baby, and 1 wiener dog on the weekends. 

Sometimes even 1 Little Asian Mama and 1 Medium Asian Papa on the weekends, too.

If there's anything I'll take credit for, it's being a make-do kinda gal. And I think we really have done a good job of squeezing a lot of good living out of this place...

But teen and pre-teen bodies are growing and we literally feel like we're tripping over one another in a way we weren't before they started their respective spurts.

So today finds me and the Man tired of house hunting, relieved that nothing of interest has come up in the past two days so we can stop driving around and wearing ourselves out for a minute, and anxiously awaiting word on an offer we've put in on a bigger space with a bigger kitchen, but smaller yard. 

One that won't require much time and many dollars to make livable. One that won't put us in bedroomy master planned nor Gangster's Paradise urban hell, both of which exist in our fair city.

And we won't know anything until the 21st.

Tom Petty said it best. The waiting is the hardest part.

In the meantime, we've been doing a lot of convenience eating, and something tells me that probably hasn't helped me in my LBD quest one bit. But I am cutting back down on portions and alcohol, reupping my fresh produce intake, and escaping the holidays will certainly help us keep crap we normally wouldn't stock out of the house.

But I'm not ready to try the dress on again. No point in giving myself a sad on top of the anxiety. :P

BREAKFAST

was a bowl of Cinnamon Pecan Special K with milk. And lots of coffee.

LUNCH

was four bo bia made by Little Asian Mama during my parents' visit.

DINNER

was a Vietnamese leftovers mashup of mi xao tom and a bunch of veg.

EXERCISE

was cooking ahead for the week - three separate dishes in an hour and a half - a fridge cleanout veg soup with a little bacon, a Cuban style chicken stew, and roast chicken breast.

Because sometimes you just have to put a positive spin on things. :)

I am so ready to move my teeth want to fall out. (Does anyone else get that sensation when you're anxious?)

Off to tidy up and try to make this space feel not so small in the meantime...

shinae

Back In Black - Day 116 (Saturday) & Something About Fatness & Happiness...

In 2012, I learned, probably for the first time in my adult life, what it means to be

FAT 

and

HAPPY.

I learned what it feels like to be

- content enough in my own skin and with my own life,
- fulfilled enough in my pursuits,
- accepting enough of my flaws, and
- embracing enough of my unique beauty,

that while I knew intellectually that I should endeavor to better maintain my body, I was so happy in my soul that I didn't mind being "fat". And I think that's evident as I look back at the posts in this series to date.

The truth is that there are so many reasons we watch our weight that have nothing to do with being healthy, though that is a most excellent reason. Many of them are good reasons in their own right, if approached with a sense of balance, and they mostly have to do with vanity of some sort.

Well, they do for me anyway.

And I wasted plenty of life, into my 30s actually, drinking the Kool-Aid that vanity of any sort is some kind of crime against intellect and inner beauty. Thank Goddess I discovered that it's much more liberating to acknowledge and accept that some days you really do give a fuck how you look, that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be pretty, and that you generally don't lose any capacity for intelligence or human decency on those days, either...

But for the most part, unlike any year of my life before it, 2012 left almost nothing to be desired, and I reveled every day in doing exactly whatever felt good and right in the moment. Even those moments in which I chose to putz around on the couch, share air and space with The Man, and do nothing particularly productive, when I could have gone for a run instead, felt right. As did the moments when I chose to sit at the keyboard and write a post or a recipe instead of practicing yoga. And the moments when I drank that extra glass of wine after dinner when I didn't need the extra calories because I was basking in a warm, fuzzy, red wine buzz...

But all things have their season.

And after a year of all that basking and reveling, as I'm soon approaching 40, it's starting to feel right to give a little more of a fuck about the jiggling of the squish. To choose tight buns over loose pours. To regain a belly that looks closer to a cutting board than a muffin top...

Because in the course of a life, you can cycle through all the permutations of BMI ranges and degrees of happiness.

So while 2012 was deliciously fat and happy, I think I'll cook up some

THIN

and

HAPPY

for 2013.

Do wish my atrophied muscles luck. :)

BREAKFAST

was half a PB&J.

LUNCH

was a long overdue haircut...

...and a most yummydelicious lunch of cha gio, bun bo hue, and soursop smoothie at Hien Vuong in Little Saigon.

DINNER

was a lazy woman's mashup of avocado with salsa verde, a couple of slices of roast turkey breast, a handful of roasted almonds, and a piece of something like Almond Roca but much better whose name I don't recall.

EXERCISE

Have we already established that leisurely strolling around retail establishments is not exercise? Because if we have, then I didn't.

Off to brew more coffee and give some thought to breakfast.

shinae

Back In Black - Day 90 (Monday) & Something About Shiny Detours...

I'm 3 months and 22 posts into this blog series, and it's been a month since I last updated, or tried on the LBD, for that matter. But between the mild excesses of Thanksgiving and my otherwise reduction of sweets, processed carbs, and alcoholic beverages on the whole, my guess is that I've neither progressed nor regressed in the past month.

And frankly it's a little too cold and I'm a little too lazy to try the dress on at the moment to see if my assessment is correct. Maybe later in the day...

This past week has seen us through a mild rollercoaster ride that began when certain circumstances led us to consider looking for a house to buy much earlier than we had determined to not that long ago.

Not that long ago, we reestablished that our number 1 priority is to live a rich, full, and happy life with our 3 human children and 1 canine child. To do the things, together and alone, that bring us joy and meaning. To live well and simply in the everyday, well within our means, so we could spend our money on things that would give us great experiences and memories we could take with us wherever we go as long as we have our health and sanity.

Not that a little more space isn't a wonderful thing to have.

But when we considered all the implications of moving forward with buying a house right now, we realized that that little more space, given our current situation, had big potential to rob us of the mostly happy, grateful, joyful, low stress, laughter-filled air we breathe in this teeny, tiny house of ours.

So while it was great fun looking at bigger houses and thinking of the potential in those bigger spaces, I am ever so thankful that this detour led us back to seeing the still untapped potential of this smaller one. Crammed though it may seem at times, it clearly has a lot more storage space left for the good memories we've yet to create in it.

BREAKFAST

was a banana and a handful of what I thought were toasted almonds that turned out to be raw ones. And not that raw ones are horrible (and yes, I know they're supposed to be better for you), but I like the toasted ones better.

LUNCH

was leftovers from our Sunday Lemon Thyme Pork Loin Roast lunch. Just a couple of slices of the roast along with a little bit of leftover potato salad.

DINNER

because I am so fucking fed up with dishes, was a no-cook dinner of Spanish charcuteria and a couple of fridge cleanout salads served on a single platter.

Washed down with a couple of generous pours of a very cheap white wine that I'll miss a little bit if/when Fresh & Easy goes out of business like they are apparently planning to do. :(

EXERCISE

Why I even bother to keep this heading in my posts is beyond me. I think it has something to do with hope. That I might feel like maybe possibly exercising anything but my cooking and writing muscles anytime in the near future... :P

Off to brew another cuppa!

shinae

Back In Black - Day 62 (Sunday) & Something About More Steps Forward Than Back...

It's been 17 days since my last post, and just about a week ago, I was gearing up to write a post about how the preceding 2 weeks were a complete bust as far as getting back into the LBD - starch and sweets heavy, a few more drinks a week than the previous weeks, etc. But life and Indian Food Cookalong (for details, just click on that little blue pull down arrow) preparations took over, and that post never got written.

But the mere act of taking inventory that day and realizing that my eating habits of the prior 2 weeks were not helping my cause were enough to get me back on track to returning to my usual high volume, low calorie density eating of lots of veg and fruits, the same amount of meat, but less processed carbs and sweets.

Stuff like these Viet-Inspired Lettuce Wraps:

And this shared Arugula, Tomato & Parm Omelette:

And this Superchunk Fridge Cleanout Veg Soup:

And as you can see...

Day 37:

Day 62:

...the zipper's gone up about an inch! :D

Which just goes to show a few truths about watching one's diet (or accomplishing anything, really):

1) It's never too late to course correct.

2) Micromeasuring progress is often a sure way to defeat and discourage your spirit.

3) Patience is mostly and usually a virtue.

Had I scrutinized my progress every day for the past 3 weeks, I would have spent a good 2 of them thinking I'd failed. But giving myself the chance to course correct and the time to balance things out, I ended up taking more steps forward than back.

BREAKFAST

We hadn't had a hearty brekkie in a while, so a 2-egg scramble, 1 sausage link, and a croissant.

LUNCH

was Ga Hap (Vietnamese Steamed Chicken) with LOTS of slaw and a little bit of steamed jasmine rice (probably about 2/3 cup).

DINNER

was supposed to be the stuff I made during the Cookalong, but I was so wiped out from a long day that started rolling at 4AM and didn't slow down until about 8PM that I didn't even have the energy to plate and warm it, so I ate a small bowl of Cocoa Puffs and a scoop of Cookies N' Cream.

But there's still time to balance it out.

EXERCISE

A 30 minute stroll through IKEA with Izzy in a sling. That probably counts for a Cocoa Puff or two, right? :P

Off to brew more coffee and think about what's for breakfast...

shinae