Back In Black - Day 11 & Something About Hard Choices...

Forgive? Sounds good.
Forget? I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,

But I'm still waiting.

I'm through with doubt.

There's nothing left for me to figure out.

I've paid a price,

And I'll keep paying.

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down.
I'm still mad as Hell and I don't have time

To go round and round and round.

It's too late to make it right,
I probably wouldn't if I could

'Cause I'm mad as Hell, can't bring myself

To do what it is you think I should.

I know you said,
"Can't you just get over it?"
It turned my whole world around

And I kinda like it...

~ Not Ready To Make Nice, Dixie Chicks

Fall has long been my favorite season, but in recent years, it's also a reminder of people and events I'd rather not remember and the hard and lasting choices I made in the midst of them.

As I was holding Isabella at 2:30 this morning, it occurred to me that if Joey and Maddi were here with me during the week, this would be about the time I'd get up to make sure they weren't huddled in bed because they'd wriggled or kicked off their covers. Something, among so many things, I'd never seen their father do in all the years I was with him.

But the choices I made in order to eventually be in a marriage that was not only healthier for me but a better one to be able to model to my two older children cost me the privilege of being able to tuck them back under their covers on a weeknight, among so many other privileges.

It's too late to make it right,
I probably wouldn't if I could...

I'm not mad as Hell anymore, and neither am I sorry. But some good decisions come with hard consequences, and I'll keep paying.

BREAKFAST

More cereal. And coffee.

LUNCH

Kimchi jjigae with rice.

DINNER

I wanted a break from the kitchen, so we popped open a bottle of cava and ate some Church's Fried Chicken.  No potatoes or biscuits for me, though.

I don't think I'd ever no-carb it, but starches and refined sugars do seem to be the main culprit in weight gain for me. I can gorge myself on meats, vegetables, and a pretty good amount of fats, if I want, and not gain too much weight, but if I start packing in the bread, pasta, and sweets, I get fairly immediately bloated, and the pounds begin to pack...

EXERCISE

None yesterday, but that's ok. I continue to take more steps forward than back overall, and today is another day...

shinae

Back In Black - Day 10 & Something About the Subversive Genius of Real Housewives...

I don't think I mentioned the other day why I started a twitter account, but I'll come clean. It was solely for the purpose of dishing Real Housewives because, frankly, many of my friends are too cultured and decent to indulge in such schadenfreude and low brow entertainment with me.

But I don't think they give Andy Cohen enough credit for the subversive genius and brilliant social commentary that is the Real Housewives franchise.

Because as we watch the foibles of these grown women getting injected with Botox, spray tanning themselves (and their children), pulling 10 cent Don King words out of their waxed asses, referring to themselves in the third person, washing raw chickens with handsoap (thank you, Silje!), stabbing one another in the back, trying to shill toaster ovens to make a million dollars, dressing 20 years too young for their age, catching up with the Joneses, overestimating their abilities and exercising their hubris, coveting bling, shunning education, pointing fingers and calling one another names, throwing each other under buses, and desperately clawing for their 15 minutes of fame...

...the Real Housewives teach us not only that having money (or trying to look like you do) can't buy you class. But that it also can't buy you self-respect, confidence, graciousness, youth, refinement, self-assurance, value, self-worth, talent, dignity, enlightenment, a sense of achievement, self-awareness, fulfillment, peace of mind, happiness, completeness, or a fucking clue.

Oh. I almost forgot. And elegance.

It does however enable them to pay for people and things that help them lose weight.

They do have that on the rest of us...

BREAKFAST

was a 2-egg Greek-ish omelette. And lightly sugared coffee, of course. I don't think I'll ever  be able to bring myself to spell it *omelet* and I'm not quite sure why...

LUNCH

A bowl of pho tai (complete how-to here) with a side of hanh dam with fresh chilies. All that fresh, raw onion, chilies, vinegar - so good for the system.

SNACK

Half a dragon fruit.

DINNER

More pho with some pea sprouts thrown in in lieu of the bean sprouts I didn't have. I was really feeling the broth yesterday.

SNACK

The other half of the dragon fruit.

DESSERT

A shared fifth of a pint of Espresso Fudge ice cream. I much prefer having a pint or half gallon of ice cream in the freezer to having things like Drumsticks because I can indulge a taste - maybe 3 or 4 spoonfuls - without throwing anything away or feeling like I have to eat it all.

EXERCISE

About 15 minutes of yoga poses throughout the day, which probably didn't burn much of anything, but felt so damned good in that stretching everything down to the tips of your toes kind of way.

My arms are beginning to look ever so slightly less flappy. This is happy news.

Off to brew the afternoon cuppa and unfuck just a little more of the habitat.

shinae

Back In Black - Day 9 (Tuesday) & Something About Preferences...

So on Friday as we were checking out at 99 Ranch, our young Asian male cashier struck up a conversation with us about how he always sees Asian women with white dudes, how it's never the other way around, and how he figures Asian women must like white men.

And I think it was because his tone was more curious than bitter that we engaged, Dean jokingly wondering aloud if it wasn't really the other way around.

I just told him that I think most of us just love who we love without too much conscious choice over the matter. I mean, neither one of us has a history of fetishizing the other's culture or ethnicity...

But he seemed almost disheartened and discouraged, as if it were something about being an Asian male that made him undesirable to Asian females. So as we placed our bags in the cart to leave, I told him that it's not that we don't like Asian men - it's their mothers we're trying to avoid. Kekeke. :P

Mothers. It's all our faults.

BREAKFAST

was the last piece of flaugnarde with lots of lightly sugared coffee.

LUNCH

was a fridge cleanout naan pizza with tomatoes, parsley, Jack and cream cheeses with an egg put on it. A G+ friend jokingly asked me if this was going to help me get back into my little black dress. At the end of that exchange, we both agreed that moderation, not deprivation, is the thing.

SNACK

Plum.

DINNER

Some more of that Spicy Dwenjahng soup because it needs to get eaten before it goes bad.

SNACK

Two handfuls of toasted almonds with raisins.

Then some banana chips.

And the very last of some stew I made last week. Clearly I didn't get enough protein with my lunch.

EXERCISE

Another day of relative lethargy. Still sick hubs, getting sick babe. It is what it is. But I do plan to pick up the pace shortly. :)

Feels nice to be caught up if only for a day.

shinae

Back In Black - Day 8 (Monday) & PROGRESS!!! :)

As an Asian female on the internets, I am, as Gilberto calls me, freak flypaper. 

And for that reason, I am loathe to post this picture. Because some freaks can turn anything into dirt and perversion. Bare a little flesh, and I'm not only inviting it. I'm practically goading them.

But the freaks are an inevitable bad byproduct of what I hope is a good thing I'm doing, and this pic is hardly gratuitous. Why?

Because PROGRESS. That's why. :)

I wish I'd taken a pic on Day 1, but hopefully you'll take my word for the fact that I could zip my dress up about 2 inches higher this morning than I could when I started.

I didn't make any drastic changes over the past week but to cut out a few beers or glasses of wine, avoid eating the Drumsticks in the fridge that aren't even supposed to be there (not buying crap is 90% of the battle for me, and I never buy stuff like that but Little Asian Mama bought them for her grandkids, and Little Asian Mama does everything BIG), and take slightly smaller carb servings than I was getting used to for a while. I've been eating what I like, and not depriving myself of anything I truly want to eat. As for the exercise, if you've been following along, you know I haven't quite ramped up that component just yet.

Clearly I have a ways to go, but to whatever extent I can convince someone else that it's worthwhile to do just one thing righter tomorrow than they did today by posting this picture, I'm willing to contend with a few freaks I was probably going to have to contend with anyways.

BREAKFAST

was a slice of that plum flaugnarde I made for my mom on Sunday. If there's ever a good time to have a sweet treat, it's breakfast. You have all day awake to metabolize those calories.

LUNCH

was a Spicy Korean Dwenjahng Soup with rice. Some kimchi I made on Saturday night on the side.

SNACK

A red plum.

And then about an hour and half later, the last two very ripe bananas in the house with a little bit of peanut butter on each bite.

DINNER

was one of Dean's favorite meals. A Fra Diavolo-ish peel and eat shrimp using that pound and half of head-on shrimp I bought at 99 Ranch on Friday with a small piece of crusty bread.

SNACK

Another plum later at night.

EXERCISE

Sick hubs + cranky baby + exhausted me = my fat ass on either the couch or on my feet rocking Izzy and watching 3 hours of Housewives. Oh, and also starting up a twitter account. It's a shame chirping doesn't burn more calories.

It's kinda lonely when the Man and the Babe are both asleep so early. I think I'll go pester the social networks for a while.

shinae

Back In Black - Day 7 & Something About Moderation...

The mere idea of this happening is near inconceivable to us until it actually happens:

We are sushi'd out. :|

Between the Monsters' requests, our little celebration dinner, and my parents visiting and treating us to dinner twice in the past month and half or so, we somehow got fatigued on sushi.

And it was good sushi, mind you. But that didn't keep the sushi from feeling a little stale on Sunday when we went to dinner with my parents. We had just had enough. A lot more than enough, actually.

I've long believed that there is a discipline to being easily pleased, to keeping special things special. And it has a lot to do with moderation.

It's mildly shameful the notion that we are jaded on a kind of meal that, for just the two of us, often costs in one sitting what we spend on groceries for the entire week.

But at least now I'm reminded why we don't buy a lobe of foie more often...

BREAKFAST

was more Cinnamon Pecan Special K early in the morning while everyone slept.

I did make a plum flaugnarde for my Little Asian Mama's breakfast because she likes Frenchy pastry type thingies, but I didn't have any myself.

LUNCH

was the leftover poke (pronounced POHkeh if you didn't know) from Saturday with the last of the daikon sprouts.

And a thigh from the box of Church's Fried Chicken my mom brought over on Saturday.

Also some grapes which, as you can see from the shriveling stems, had been sitting in the fridge a little too long.

I stayed away from too much carby stuff at lunch knowing I'd have quite a bit of sushi rice for dinner.

DINNER

, care of my parents, was dinner at Sushi Gallery Miki in San Clemente. We found this place yelping for a new sushi joint within somewhat short driving distance, and we like their sushi quite a lot. 

But we were reminded on this past visit how much service can add or detract from the enjoyment of a well prepared meal. The last time we ate there, we had a cheerful, sharp, and knowledgeable server. This time, our server, while not unpleasant, was clearly out of her element in that setting, didn't know her sushi, and just appeared too overwhelmed (on a fairly slow night) to remember or process our requests. 

While as a human being I want to have empathy for someone who is struggling with the task at hand, as a customer, it's annoying to get subpar service. And while it doesn't keep me from doing my best to be pleasant and polite, it does absolutely take away from the deliciousness of the food.

Izzy on the other hand got excellent service. All comfycozy tucked into a sling and everything.

EXERCISE

After dinner, we walked around downtown San Clemente for about half an hour, me with Izzy in her sling.

We stopped and pored over a few menus on display on the sidewalk and found nothing too terribly enticing. But that's what happens when you're overindulged and jaded. You become hard to please. And you have to take it down a notch or two for a while or two so you can give a thing time to recover its sparkle.

The babe is beginning to stir from her nap.

Back later.

shinae

Back In Black - Day 6 (Saturday)...

My parents bought the kids surfing lessons just down the street, and given how stiflingly hot and muggy Saturday turned out to be, I'm glad we scheduled the morning session.

Izzy being the third baby, and I being a more chill version of myself, it's really not that hard to get out the door with her. I tend to travel pretty light with her (and in general), and I don't really sweat the notion that I might not have packed every last thing as long as we're in a fairly developed area.

But getting an 11 and 13 year old out the door on a weekend, fed and ready on time for an 8:45 AM surf lesson while getting a wiener dog who suffers from a ridiculously serious case of separation anxiety ready to be home alone for a couple of hours is pretty much herding cats.

Regardless, the kids had fun. Specially Joey, who seems to have taken an interest in the kinds of sports in which you balance yourself on a moving board. Skateboarding and surfing are totally manageable for now since they're a) fairly high return for the investment in equipment and b) convenient given where we live.

We'll not let him in on how fun snowboarding is just yet because snow sports... well, that gets real spendy real quick.

BREAKFAST

was a bowl of Cinnamon Pecan Special K with a few extra candied pecans thrown in. I don't put much milk in my cereal because I hate milk with all the little bits of cereal and flavoring swimming in it. As a matter of fact, I find the notion of drinking milk as a beverage kinda gross.

I'm sure it has something to do with growing up in an Asian household in which the only dairy product I was ever given as a child was Yakult, which, if you've never had it, tastes more like juice than milk. I also didn't learn to like cheese until I was a young adult.

LUNCH

was a Spicy Salmon Poke bowl made with that salmon I got at 99 Ranch seasoned with chili garlic sauce, soy, sesame oil, lime juice, cilantro, and chopped serranos, topped with daikon sprouts and julienned cucumber.

Sometime between lunch and snack, my parents came over to visit for the weekend with a box of Church's Fried Chicken in tow for their lunch. Ever since we introduced her to it, my mom has become addicted.

SNACK

was about 20 longans that I also bought from 99 Ranch. When it comes to eating fresh produce, I pretty much eat with abandon and to my heart's complete content.

DINNER

It's always a treat for the fam when Dean makes ribs, and Saturday was no different.

Actually, I can honestly say they were more delicious this past Saturday than all the other times he made them and they were delicious. He changed up his technique from smoking to a low and slow oven roast followed by a short sizzle on the grill, and he put a new cola twist to his always delicious Bourbon BBQ Sauce.

My Thousand Island Slaw and corn muffins on the side.

Washed down with a Diet Coke. I don't drink soda all that often, but every once in a while, specially when it's hot, I crave bubbles like mad, and I'd rather eat those 150 calories than drink them.

Sometimes I'll purposely omit the "Diet" part when I do make the occasional mention of soda on a post to save myself the aggravation of listening to health nazis give me unsolicited advice about how my handful of diet drinks a month are going to cause me brain cancer.

Unsolicited advice ranks up there with poo on my list.

EXERCISE

was a really lovely post-sunset beach walk with the Man while my parents and the Monsters took Izzy and Honeydew for a neighborhood stroll. A somewhat powered casual walk punctuated by a few sprints to save ourselves the hosing from high tide on a short beach.

Dean has gone from bachelor to amazing husband/StepDean/dad in what seems like the blink of an eye with so much heart and so little resistance, and it's so nice to get him all to myself, if only for a short walk on the beach and a chance to hold hands empty of diaper bag and whatever odds and ends he's always taking off my hands.

SNACK

a handful of fresh dates (aka jujubes).

Followed by not remembering when or how we fell asleep for the night.

Ah, the joys of parenting an infant...

Off to brew an afternoon cuppa.

shinae

Back In Black - Day 5 (Friday)...

Deja vu.

Three days behind on a daily diary. I've been here before...

I often find myself torn between the part of me that keeps this blog for me, and the part of me that keeps this blog to share with others.

The first part would have been happy to write a regular, daily journal entry and be done with it, on time, without having to face tomorrow's disappointment that I'm behind yet again. The other part of me thinks it would not be a nice thing to subject the kind folks who read this blog to how truly mundane, banal, and uninteresting my thoughts are most days.

That said, Friday was a busier than usual day because we picked the Monsters up in Stepford rather than the usual midway point. Bad thing is it put us in the car for a couple of hours that we could have been doing something else. Good thing is it took me up to 99 Ranch to buy fairly fresh (and yes, farmed) salmon for $2.99/pound. And some head-on shrimp as well.

As well as some jasmine rice, sriracha, hoisin, fish sauce, Mama brand noodles, rice paper, rice noodles, and an incredibly good deal on a box of Kirin, which Dean and I both find quite refreshing on the kinds of hot, muggy summer days we've been having, even a stone's throw from the coast.

There's another 99 Ranch south of us in the same county, but it really isn't that much closer. It occurs to me that North SD county could really benefit from a 99 Ranch. Wonder why it doesn't occur to them...

BREAKFAST

Sometimes I really do make the most whack grocery shopping choices. I do not now and have never liked Shredded Wheat. And yet when I saw that big yellow clearance shelf tag that said *SHREDDED WHEAT $0.75*, I rationalized to myself that it would keep me regular for many days, for just pennies per day.

So I bought it.

And I put some bananas on it.

And it still tasted like a heap of shredded cardboard. With bananas on it.

SNACK

A handful of banana chips. I love those things.

LUNCH

was a roast chicken sandwich on Rosemary Asiago Focaccia with some tomatoes and and herb salad mix that contained arugula. I love arugula on my sandwiches. For the dressing, the rest of the lemon garlic crema I made for tacos earlier in the week.

DINNER

, because we got home pretty late from Stepford, was more of the same.

EXERCISE

Unless you call strolling the aisles of an Asian market for about 25 minutes exercise, I did not exercise on Friday. But I did have a conversation at the seafood counter with one of those talk out of your ass people who tried to tell me that I have better seafood shopping and restaurants in Oceanside than they do in Stepford. (There were other indicators of her talk out of her assness, BTW.) As much as I love my new home, I am a realist. And Stepford has us beat by several many miles in both those departments.

And since I only let that exchange go about 3 minutes before I smiled and told her to have a nice day, we'll say I did actually *exercise* my good judgment.

Off to try to catch up while Izz naps. (That sounds familiar...)

shinae